[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”