I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You Might Also Like
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography