Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
(yawn)
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”