tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising