I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.