No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Just got to our Airbnb!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*