Needless to say…*
*mic drop
You Might Also Like
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG