My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?