[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU