Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.