Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.