Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.