I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!