I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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I can’t stop laughing at this
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead