If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄