Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.