friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[eulogy]
line?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.