him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
yeet
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.