Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
You Might Also Like
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
this is how life feels
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
This rocks
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.