Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*