It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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How it started How it’s going
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“We will wed,” I threatened
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.