Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.