Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
this is the greatest thing ever
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.