Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
You Might Also Like
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Well, that didn’t work.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.