Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
won’t smith
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.