If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.