I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.