Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.