my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
You can’t outrun your problems…
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.