AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”