Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
#NeverForget
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
#Caturday
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you