DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
So, can we agree on 4 or
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
This story is comedy gold 😂
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.