People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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So creative 😂
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*lint rolls you awake*
I already tried new things thanks.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Bruh PLEASE
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.