Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Every. Damn. Time.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
honestly, i need both:
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat