the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”