The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
You Might Also Like
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.