If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Its a hippotatomus
“No way.” -Jose
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebeeβs might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, βPoloβ in unison after they called your name.
βInterviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
βBe brave, you got thisβMe: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Maβam, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I donβt like your tone
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish youβd never let them learn to speak.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didnβt know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joelβs jar.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.