Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.