I already tried new things thanks.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.