Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
You Might Also Like
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.