[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*