23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Omg 🤣
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I want this so bad
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.