Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Netflix: We have Less
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*