the simulation is moving too fast
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My dream job is getting paid to dream
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes