I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…