I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Meow?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”