*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]