The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before