Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
normalize having existential bread
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The 6 types of sex
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen