I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.